I feel as though I have lost so many opportunities with dancing because I have had to put university first. It really upsets me when I think of how I could have grown if I didn't have to prioritise with university. Often, when I hear about the opportunities and experiences of others, I wonder if that could have been me if I didn't have other commitments dragging me down. I realise that in the long run, ensuring I have an education will mean a secure and stable job I can depend on, but as a dancer, not being able to take these experiences has set me back greatly.
Many of my amazing friends are also very talented dancers who continuously inspire me. They all push me to want to be a stronger and better dancing. I want to be able to work as hard and as fast as I can to improve and I hate feeling held down. Every time I have the privilege to share a dance class or rehearsal with any of them, I feel so weak in comparison. I really feel as sense of disgust in myself when I dance beside them and look into the mirror. All I can see is a stiff, horrid dancer. I don't ever feel I'll be anything in comparison to them no matter how hard I try. I always feel a need to prove to myself that I'm a good dancer and that I am improving, but at the end of the day, I always feel let down.
I really lack confidence in myself, not as a person, as a dancer. It's not something I have very openly shared before, I’m just hoping that having shared it, I'll now begin to change my mind set.
I realise that I probably come across as a confident person in class or in rehearsals, but I put on a brave face. It's gotten harder with time, as people have continued to improve; I have felt a little more unsure of my own ability. I really don't feel I have a lot to bring as a dancer and I'm hoping with time, I can become strong and surer of myself.
I think sometimes you just need that encouragement, you need someone to say, 'hey, you did really well' to lift your spirit. I do try and focus on the positive and not the negative, but when you feel as though you’re working so hard your body is going to break and no one even notices, you start to crumble inside.
This is my way of starting from the inside to strengthen my outside.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Thursday, October 29, 2009
MMA is closing..
Its 11.20am on a Friday morning and I can't help but feel the need to share how my life has developed thanks to the Melbourne Music Academy (MMA)
When I first started hip-hop dancing in 2007 I was rehearsing on the streets looking at reflections from window shops and using portable speakers that worked with batteries. I took one class a week and it was proving to be a fun little hobby every weekend.
A few months later I was asked to become apart of 'Delinkwentz', a tight group of break dancers who's morals surrounded the ideals of family like friendship. Not long after one of the Delinkwentz key leaders got a phone call from a gentle man named 'Reuben'. He was interested in linking Delinkwentz to his dance school MMA. We had heard of this school, but what the hell would they want with our crew?
A meeting was set up and a few members, including myself, went down to find out what this agreement would be about.
Reuben's idea was to have MMA as Delinkwentz home ground. This meant free training space in exchange for our good word to other dancers and Breakers in the hope that we would encourage them to come down and train at the academy. Also, when competing in competitions we would mention MMA as sort of advertisement for the school. It all seemed in our favor, so it was shaken on and Delinkwentz began training at MMA.
Around this time 'Alpha Delinkwentz', the hip-hop group associated with the Delinkwentz was training hard and recruiting members for various competitions. This was linked to the once off group 'Random Select'. Through this group I started working with members of the 'Vikings', a well recognized hip-hop crew who made an impression on me from a young age and were a big reason I wanted to start my own crew. It also linked me to my amazing boyfriend Lee.
From there everything seemed to just fall into place. Alpha Delinkwentz was growing stronger and becoming recognized, competing in various comps such as 'Raw', 'Get Krumpd', 'Groove' and 'Battlegrounds'. Delinkwentz were training hard competing in comps and becoming very respected, but the lack of training together was becoming a concern.
My love of dance was growing. It wasn't just a hobby anymore. It's something I decided I want to do for the rest of my life.
Although Random Selected started and ended in 2008, the creation of another group was in the midst. At the beginning of 2009 this new group was official. Our first show at the Chinese New Year festival saw the first performance of 'The Collektive'.
So much has happened in such a short amount of time and none of it seems possible without MMA having been there to take me off the streets. I knew that the academy wouldn't be open forever but I never thought it would close so soon and have such a big effect on the dancing community. I realize that it will re-open at a new location, but something about that place just makes we feel at home. I have not only grown as a dancer but as a person in between those walls. Some of the greatest experiences of my life were from opportunities given to me from people I met in that school. I can never give thanks enough to the people who make MMA what it is. But the true is, MMA was so amazing because of all the love surrounding the people who became apart of it. I truly hope that this passion and love is carried onto the next building that is graced with the title Melbourne Music Academy. It was a lot to live up too.
When I first started hip-hop dancing in 2007 I was rehearsing on the streets looking at reflections from window shops and using portable speakers that worked with batteries. I took one class a week and it was proving to be a fun little hobby every weekend.
A few months later I was asked to become apart of 'Delinkwentz', a tight group of break dancers who's morals surrounded the ideals of family like friendship. Not long after one of the Delinkwentz key leaders got a phone call from a gentle man named 'Reuben'. He was interested in linking Delinkwentz to his dance school MMA. We had heard of this school, but what the hell would they want with our crew?
A meeting was set up and a few members, including myself, went down to find out what this agreement would be about.
Reuben's idea was to have MMA as Delinkwentz home ground. This meant free training space in exchange for our good word to other dancers and Breakers in the hope that we would encourage them to come down and train at the academy. Also, when competing in competitions we would mention MMA as sort of advertisement for the school. It all seemed in our favor, so it was shaken on and Delinkwentz began training at MMA.
Around this time 'Alpha Delinkwentz', the hip-hop group associated with the Delinkwentz was training hard and recruiting members for various competitions. This was linked to the once off group 'Random Select'. Through this group I started working with members of the 'Vikings', a well recognized hip-hop crew who made an impression on me from a young age and were a big reason I wanted to start my own crew. It also linked me to my amazing boyfriend Lee.
From there everything seemed to just fall into place. Alpha Delinkwentz was growing stronger and becoming recognized, competing in various comps such as 'Raw', 'Get Krumpd', 'Groove' and 'Battlegrounds'. Delinkwentz were training hard competing in comps and becoming very respected, but the lack of training together was becoming a concern.
My love of dance was growing. It wasn't just a hobby anymore. It's something I decided I want to do for the rest of my life.
Although Random Selected started and ended in 2008, the creation of another group was in the midst. At the beginning of 2009 this new group was official. Our first show at the Chinese New Year festival saw the first performance of 'The Collektive'.
So much has happened in such a short amount of time and none of it seems possible without MMA having been there to take me off the streets. I knew that the academy wouldn't be open forever but I never thought it would close so soon and have such a big effect on the dancing community. I realize that it will re-open at a new location, but something about that place just makes we feel at home. I have not only grown as a dancer but as a person in between those walls. Some of the greatest experiences of my life were from opportunities given to me from people I met in that school. I can never give thanks enough to the people who make MMA what it is. But the true is, MMA was so amazing because of all the love surrounding the people who became apart of it. I truly hope that this passion and love is carried onto the next building that is graced with the title Melbourne Music Academy. It was a lot to live up too.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Exams!!
Ohh yes! It’s that time of year when we all attempt to cram in all the useless knowledge that we think the universities want to hear just so we can be that one step closer to getting the piece of paper at the end of the tunnel.
So much emphasis is based on having an education, it's no wonder people commit suicide. I’m not saying that I agree with it I’m just recognising a major reason why people consider doing it at my age. My family put so much pressure on me to do well in my studies and all the rest, but they never really consider if it's something I want to do or if I’m doing it to please them. As it turns out, a big part of me is doing it so that when I reach the end I can do whatever the hell I want without them on my back asking where I’ll be in 5 years time. I know it's because they care, but if I only had 5 years left to live (heaven forbid), I wouldn't be living it by cramming for exams that’s for sure.
I just wish sometimes they'd let me make my own choices without twisting my arm and giving me the guilt trip. I think sometimes they forget what it's like to be young and care free. I just hope that all the opportunities I have given up to please my family hasn't gone astray and I’m able to live my life as I want once I have completed university.
Fingers crossed.
So much emphasis is based on having an education, it's no wonder people commit suicide. I’m not saying that I agree with it I’m just recognising a major reason why people consider doing it at my age. My family put so much pressure on me to do well in my studies and all the rest, but they never really consider if it's something I want to do or if I’m doing it to please them. As it turns out, a big part of me is doing it so that when I reach the end I can do whatever the hell I want without them on my back asking where I’ll be in 5 years time. I know it's because they care, but if I only had 5 years left to live (heaven forbid), I wouldn't be living it by cramming for exams that’s for sure.
I just wish sometimes they'd let me make my own choices without twisting my arm and giving me the guilt trip. I think sometimes they forget what it's like to be young and care free. I just hope that all the opportunities I have given up to please my family hasn't gone astray and I’m able to live my life as I want once I have completed university.
Fingers crossed.
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